A Personal & Painful Diary Entry
After making a commitment to go back over all my journals from many years, I found this letter I wrote to myself around 10 years ago. The start of my decade of real trauma and great lessons. To share this shows you inside how I was most days and how real the suffering was. I sit here today 10 years later and can read this without feelings of pain but with feelings of pride, knowing that I have not just survived a decade from hell, I have thrived because of it. Hopefully this will help anyone in pain know that you can find a way, if you dig deep enough. xxx Nicole xxx
Sometime in 2011
My mind is so distracted that I feel like I’m in a permanent state of confusion. Such a focused mind normally, a mind that is filled with strength and power, able to hear and process all thoughts and experiences.
I want to acknowledge life and its dealings, but now engulfed by one constant thought, one constant feeling. How does one so strong find only one thought so powerful? Powerful, what an undertstatement.
My personal power is being tested by something that is more powerful than my own mind. Power in its most dominant form I am out of control hanging on the edge, knowing I will survive but sometimes just wanting to give in and to battle with myself.
I have fought this battle before and in the end I won, however to win meant that I had to lose first. This time I’m fighting hard not to follow the same path.
I feel myself constantly fighting an unconscious reaction to this force. I wake some mornings and feel my own power and think “There she is”.
My day begins strong only to be interrupted by that one thought, one word one voice, and then the power within me becomes a power over me and my mind again becomes distracted, the confusion sets in and the ability to find peace is lost.
I want to find that peace again, but have lost sight of all perspective, what is perspective anyway. The ability to logically evaluate life and deal with it. Accordingly, the ability to control your emotions and logically place them where they should fit in your life, or is it something else? Who cares really, all I know is that mental peace is my goal.
I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, or the pot of gold. I see only a dark tunnel with no way to escape, no lights to guide me and no ears to listen.
I have ears but cannot hear, I have eyes, it cannot see. Why do I choose not to see or hear. Why has the power taken my senses.
I know that for me to take a different path I must take different action. But how can I take different action when I do not know what action to take, or if I do not know why I’m scared to take it.
Does the power really have that much control over over me or is it that fear is that the power, the power of fear, the power of taking a chance or risk where the outcome is unknown and maybe unfavorable. What is unfavorable anyway? What I think I may want that may not happen, or the outcome, whatever that may be.
Will it really be that unfavorable that it has this control of in my mind. I am a sentient being with an ability to understand, like few others. I have a strength and a knowing that allows me to know who I am. And right now I’m not being this because of the power. The only thing to fear is fear itself. To not be frightened by the unknown, to not be frightened to let go of what you might be, allow it to be by letting it go. I must love myself first I must love and give to myself before I give to others.
Stop putting myself out at the detriment of what is good for me. Take charge of me. Others are not entitled to take such power from me. They are not allowed to play with my emotions. I am not a puppet and they are not the puppet masters. If they choose not to have control over their own lives, then most certainly they do not have the right to have control over mine. I am not a pawn in a game of their life. I am the queen. I have choices in many directions. I can do it, because that is who I am and that is why people love me.
I am the source of growth and love and whilst I choose to not love myself, so too will others not love me the way you want. I am the strong one and I will survive. No longer can the game be played in my mind, it must be played in reality. I cannot live my life in two ways, as it does not serve me, or those around me. I’m the one hurting myself by letting my control be powered by other individuals. No one can take control of me except me. I am the power of my own self, and so that is what I shall do. I have felt the pain before and survived. It has made me strong. Lose the fear and I will achieve my destiny.
For those of you that are struggling with stress and anxiety and need help or guidance, please reach out:
Contact or grab a free exert and mini workshop from my new book “Stuff Yoga, Learn to Scream: Hack your stress to find your calm”
YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN.