The 3 questions I have learned to ask daily to find my WHY!
Growing up I was told by my parents that I could be or do anything that I wanted as long as I put my mind to it. Of course I believed it, that was basically all they ever told me and I never questioned it. My father was a walking example of being able to do anything you put your mind to. He was a non English speaking migrant that landed in this country at age 13 with nothing but the sole purpose of going out to find a job and support his parents and younger siblings as they found their way in this new world.
Fast forward 20 years from there and my parents had become the most well known and successful hairdressers in Australia, with my dad winning years worth of trophies for hair cutting. Who would have thought that cutting hair was so competitive. Anyway I digress, but the long and the short of it was, I knew I could do and be anything, even after feeling like a failure at school.
On I went to be a high distinction student at Uni, graduating with the most impressive award there was on offer and then into the big wide world. My career took off at the same time that things started to change for women in business. All of a sudden I was the first and only female Director, sitting around the board table of the largest health club chain in the world at the time. “See”, mum would say…”I told you so”.
At the time, more and more articles were written about women being able to have it all, a career, a family, success, money, empathy and the list keeps going and I became one of those women. The working mother (single parent too), in a big job with 2 small children, proving all those magazine articles right. Women’s liberation at its finest.
Sounds like an amazing story doesn’t it? Don’t get me wrong it was (and still is) one of the most incredible chapters of my yet to be finished story, however, there is a huge part missing that no one really wants to talk about.
What it really means to have it all or is it really having it all? What about the pain and sacrifice that you have to make and the suffering? Note… the most important word in that sentence is YOU.
The fantasy blogs and speeches about women having it all seem to miss what it looks really looks like and whilst I still firmly believe that you can have it all, the question really boils down to… is it all worth it in the end?
The sleep deprivation
The nutrition deprivation
The personal care deprivation
The higher expectations on you at work because you are a mother — can’t slack off or can’t be seen to not be focused, for fear they will think your mothering is taking priority over your numbers.
The social life deprivation
The spending everyday feeling like a failure at something — yelling at the kids because you are stressed = FAIL, being yelled at for not getting home in time to read them a story = FAIL, not wanting to socialise on the weekend = FAIL, forgetting parent teacher interviews = FAIL, not remembering the other parents names = FAIL, not showing up for a school assembly = FAIL, daydreaming in a Board meeting and not hearing the question you were asked = FAIL.
I remember some days I would drop the kids to before school care at 7:30am so I could be at the office by 8am and I would spend that 30 minutes crying my eyes out from feeling like I was not a good parent. So, I would start my 10+ hour day already emotionally exhausted only to have to brush it off and lead a team of over 2000 staff across the country. 15 heads of department would be at my door before I had my first sip of coffee and off I would go.
Leadership is about servant hood, parenting is about servant hood, what about when the servant has nothing left to give because the cup is like the Sahara desert? What then? Dig for underground water supplies, search for the oasis?
Month end would come and go and for the most part I was hugely successful and we were winning, but what about those months when things started to get a little tough. I didn’t need anyone to place their expectations on me, I did that well enough myself, and the internal dialogue would kick in. “Have I been focused enough?”, “Have I listened to my team enough?”, “Have I coached and trained them enough?”, “Have I missed something?”.
Now, I could keep going on forever and trust me when I say that I am not trying to turn anyone off striving for the impossible because goodness knows I am always and still striving for it. I will say this though, you cannot have it all without significant personal sacrifice. Without having to give up something or many things in your pursuit. That is how it works and even though the world is very much changing, especially since COVID-19, the question will always be around the sacrifices you are making and will they be worth it in the end?
Here are the 3 questions I ask myself everyday to determine if the sacrifices I have made or are making will be worth it in the end:
- As a Leader, have I made a difference to the people and businesses along the way?
If you can answer yes to some, most, all, then it was worth it. Stop and remind yourself of a person that you helped make more successful than they ever thought they would be. The company or team that achieved things they never believed they could. Remember these things and you can comfortably say that the sacrifice was worth it because you gave of yourself for the betterment of something more than you.
2. Have I learnt and grown from my experiences and become a better version of myself?
Think about how you handle situations now versus previously. Think about all the skills you have acquired and how they have made you a better leader, parent, friend. Did you ever think that when you started your career you would be able to say that you achieved and learnt the things you now know? Goodness knows I didn’t. I never knew I was even capable of some of the things that are now second nature to me.
And finally, the big one saved for last……
3. Have I given my children a good life, as in are they safe, emotionally stable, happy and most importantly do they believe in themselves?
We all know that the guilt we mostly feel is to do with parenting, so this one is a tough one to answer, but not really. I look at my children now, both young adults at the start of their life journey and I see who they have become. They are kind and intelligent, creative and strong and I can honestly say, that whilst I am certainly no perfect mother, that I must have had some part to play in it? They know who they are and they know what they want in life and mostly they believe they can do it.
This is how I changed my thinking and reminding myself of these questions regularly is how I started to fill my cup (along with the odd weekend escape alone, or a glass of wine and a good movie while the kids are at nannas!)
I have made a lot personal sacrifices and suffered through much pain and loss of relationships, businesses, houses, my own identity, my own self worth and self belief and as the world starts to really evolve I am asking myself the same questions again right now, in my next chapter of life with kids no longer at school. Was what I gave up worth it or did I sacrifice the right things for the right people for the right dreams?
My answer is YES, every minute was worth it and YES you can have it all if you change the way you think about “IT ALL”.
And for those hard times when you are thinking to yourself “is it all worth it”, why not simply change the questions to this…..
“What changes do I need to make to make sure it is worth it in the end?”